I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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