You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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