he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
