I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
