Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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