I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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