there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
