those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize