im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
