my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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