Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
