Kiss
Puke
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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