see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
