Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
