Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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