we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
