Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
