i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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