Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
