He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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