My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
