There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
