Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
