I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
