the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
