I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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