I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
