he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
