i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
