I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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