Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
