Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
