Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
