you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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