when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
