how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
