Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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