Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
