Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
