I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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