My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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