Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
