My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
