My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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