god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just gargled with NyQuil
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
