i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
