I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
