The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
