My Higher Power is John Stamos
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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