I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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