Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
