Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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