I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I didn't notice because vodka
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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