I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
