Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
