Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
