So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
