No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
