you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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