I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Someone shit on the floor
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
