Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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