I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
